Fighting normalcy
I have recently looked in on the lives of some people I used to know, people I once was inseparable from, people who were my life!! As I learn more about what they are doing in their lives makes me look at my life and how much we have grown apart. As much as I hate to admit it and despise the fact, I have become "Normal" I am married, have a dog, go to work come home to our house where we have supper and either sit and watch TV for the evening or we play on our computers. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, but there are somedays when I dream of the world I left behind. A world of no responsibilities, a life of living at the bars, watching live bands, being on the top of all the new music coming out. Like most of these bands that are out now and are the big Cats ass, are all bands that I watched at some sleazy bar like 8-10 years ago for the small price of the bar's cover charge. We were always doing crazy things. Friends were passing out drunk from their perch on a branch up in a tree, or firefighters would arrive at our weekly burnings, because someone, miles and miles away would spot the flames, or we would pack up and head south at the spur of the moment. We even had a friend sprayed with pepper spray right in the eyes once from some distraught crazy women. Those were good times. But then tragedy struck my life and things changed, people moved away, other's went berserk. I buried my head in work and walked a different path. I don't want to be "Normal" but at the same time, I'm not willing to sacrifice having my car or my house for going to see live bands and sacrificing my job to go out hiking through the mountains or white water canoeing or such things. Not willing to sacrifice my health for the desires of alcohol and pot. I am no longer young, but then I'm not old either. I sometimes wonder if I only ventured into that life to prove to my first love that he was wrong about me, when he told me that I would be happier with some yuppie with a white picket fence type life. But then again I may have embarked in my life of music and craziness because of my infatuation with a certain short dark haired "old man" that I came to think of the biggest mistake I ever made was letting him get away. I admire him still for everything he has done and accomplished. If I manage to do even a third of what he does, I will be impressed. So here I am feeling like I could be so much more then what I am. Sometimes I sit and think about all the things I want to do in my life and I feel so overwhelmed that I find myself doing absolutely nothing. I sometimes feel that it's pure laziness on my part, but sometimes I feel that it's just that I am too scared that I wont fit into that world any more, after being away for so long. I think though the thing I miss the most of that life, it the fact that I had a group of friends that were always around, seldom a day went by that I didn't see them all. We all lived within a few blocks and we all hung out and partied together. Kind of like the TV show "Friends" Well anyway that's the end of my rant for now.